UPDATE

By saying "Marie will win" over and over the gods smiled on my plight and Marie, sadly, left early on in the finale. Then, shock of all shocks, Helio (my love) won!!! Yay for the little Brazilian and his cute partner!

What reality show shall I cling to next? When does American Idol start? My life is just THAT interesting.

~The (brief) Lady~

All That Glisters is Not Gold

"More matter with less art." -Hamlet

This has been the first season I have ever watched the show Dancing with the Stars. I've fallen in love with the Salsa, the Merengue, and the tricky Cha-Cha. More importantly, I've fallen for the personalities that have danced their way into my heart. I learned, through out the season, not to latch on to any celeb couples because they, ultimately, got the boot. I further realized that the American audience, or atleast a large majority of the American audience, is the worst dance judges God ever created. That is why on this the night of finals, I will bet lots and lots of money on Marie Osmond because the American audience is a bunch of morons.

In the past 11 weeks, she passed out, she got back on the horse, she did well for her age, and she lost her father and some unwanted pounds. I feel for her and I know shes America's sweetheart but, COME ON PEOPLE. There have been much better dancers on this show that have gotten the boot. Marie Osmond has one thing going for her...her last name.

People LOVE the Osmonds. The Osmond clan, in itself, makes up half the country. With that, I believe the shear size of her family has tipped the scale and furthered her presence on Dancing with the Stars. It's unfair I tell you. Even the judges, on last night's show, tried to say in a nice way "you're an entertainer but not a dancer." Get the hint Marie!

Since Sabrina and Mark (the best team on that show) got kicked off (way before their prime), because the American public wasn't voting, I learned my lesson. Don't even get me started on my in-home temper-tantrum, the things I threw, and the people I killed the night they were voted off the show.

Last night I voted 11 times for Helio and Julianne. I think he's precious and has really grown (I know because I've been watching since the beginning). If his partner weren't so damn cute and friendly, Julianne would be the girl you hated in high school based purely on her good looks. If ever I could say "I want to look like someone" I'd pick her. No offense Marie, but this tag team is more energetic, more technically sound, and has done better than you along the way. It doesn't matter, you're going to win.

Mel B and Maks are awesome to watch. She is a great dancer and has learned well from Maks. They're also very funny together and have the showmanship that the judges have loved. The scary in "Scary spice" will most likely come out tonight because, I have no doubt in my mind, Marie Osmond is going to beat both Helio and Mel B. Why? Because she's mormon.

That was a strong statement to make. I apologize. She's going to win because she makes dolls. Yes, thats right. Marie mentioned a couple of times last night that she has doll-making friends who are voting for her. She also dressed like a doll (an image too frightnening for me to put on this blog) and mentioned she was the 3rd highest selling doll-maker in the world. Maybe, just maybe, you should stick to dolls Marie. It doesn't matter though because you're going to win. I've seen QVC, I know the strange people out there who sit by their telephones dialing in for your dolls and now for you to win this competition.

She seems like a nice person, a friendly lady, a great mom, and a funny woman. Does that mean the American public should vote for her because of these attributes? No. Will they? Yes.

With that, I'm moving to Russia. I assume a Russian competition would end in bloodshed if someone who didn't deserve a trophy won. In America, we believe that the underdog should win. We love Rocky, we love rooting for Philadelphia teams (regardless of the let-downs), and we root for whoever had the toughest breaks. For Dancing with the Stars, the doll-lady has it.

Proud to be an American (or, am I?)

~The Lady~

A Lean and Hungry Look

"O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick.
Thus with a kiss I die."
-Romeo and Juliet (V, iii, 119-120)



In a couple of weeks I will be saying farewell to my gall-bladder. Not many people even think about their gallbladder. I've had issues with mine since I was 7. We've had a tumultuous relationship one in which I'll never be able to truly forget. After 22 years of pain, ignoring the signs, and then more pain, I will have to go under the knife (very soon) to remove a part of me that doesn't function well (no, not my brain...smart-asses). Although I am fearful of this whole "surgery" thing I will pretend I'm perfectly fine with a nice love-note to my gall-bladder. I would like to give my gall-bladder a proper goodbye. So, in this lovely-ladies' blog, I will send a fond farewell to my bile-storing gall-bladder.

Adieu, Sweet-Fellow,
You lousy good for nothing gall-bladder. You've given me trouble since I was seven. You pooped out far before your prime. Yet, something makes me think you and I never had a chance. We never quite clicked. I, with my absolute love of cheese, and you with you inability to process it. How could we ever commit to one another when you just wanted to cause me pain? At a young age, I learned what "pain killers" were and boy did I want to kill the pain in which you caused me. We fought and fought and when you disappeared I was glad you left. I didn't mind when you stopped bothering me with your spasms. I could feel normal again without you getting in the way. I could eat cheese and all sorts of caloric delights, and did for many years, forgetting you were ever once a problem. Then, after a night of Chinese food, you called me up again.

You were there, again, in my life and causing trouble. Why couldn't you even try? Why couldn't we make it work? Maybe, I am partly to blame. I should have put more effort into the relationship. I should have tried as well. I shouldn't have ignored you so much. But, you, you didn't even give me a chance. You came back to hurt me once more and you're making up for the years you were silent.

Now its time to remove you forever. You have made your presence known and in a big way. You've kept me up at night, agonizing, and in tears. Why couldn't you just leave me alone? I will be free of you in a couple of weeks, but just to make sure you don't bother me until then I'm locking my doors and turning off the cellphone. No more fatty foods until you're gone. It's all fiber and veggies to make sure you stay at rest. You can get so violent sometimes and that is why its time to say goodbye. Now, you've left me hungry and hoping not to make you stir.

When the day comes, I hope you don't resist. Take it like a man...or, uh, a gall-bladder and just let go of me gracefully. Thank you for those days in which we got along. Thanks for hanging out with my liver (even when the liver was in party-mode).

Goodbye, gall-bladder.

~The Lady~