Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Plague On Both Your Houses

"Done to death by slanderous tongue
Was the Hero that here lies"
Much Ado About Nothing (V, iii, 3-4)

While scanning other blogs late last evening, I realized I must seem like a complete moron. Firstly, I know I use a style in which is equivalent to a horny 8-year-old with a foul mouth. At times, I contend, my writing has been ungrammatical and incorrect and you, my precious readers (I can’t decide whether reader should be singular or plural), have probably lost faith in this future English teacher. I apologize for my shortcomings. As this is my space to write I believed I could write, uh, what ever the fuck I wanted. Nevertheless, this entry shall redeem my efforts and your faiths in the futures of your children.

Furthermore, it would seem the only things I can write about are drugs, television, alcohol, and celebrities (of whom I usually find to be attractive or drunk messes). Being a lady, I thought it was time to start getting serious and write a heady manuscript based on my political opinions in this year of the elections. Today, I will forego being a celebrity gossip fiend, drunk, and whatever keen nicknames you, my devoted reader(s), will give me and try to flex my political muscles. By the end of this entry you might just realize how incredibly well-read and intuitive I am.

My understanding of the 2008 candidates is as follows, and in no particular order. Another fun fact for you, my loyal reader(s), is that this lady is a registered democrat. If my previous writings haven’t demonstrated to you my liberal views well, then, I don’t believe you were actively reading. Finally, before I begin, I know some of these candidates dropped out. I don’t mind because I’m showing off my smarts.

Mike Huckabee (Republican): You have a swell last name. It’s a mix of Huckleberry Finn and, well, Bee. I like it. You’re a republican and if I combined your name with your political affiliation I would get Huckarepubee (Huck-a-repub-ee). That looks like the word pubes, which makes me giggle. Other than that, I’m told you don’t like the gays which makes you pretty stupid. Huckastupidbee (Huck-a-stupid-bee). On further thought, maybe I don’t like you so much. No vote, bud.

Hillary Rodham Clinton (Democrat): Hillary is a lady and I like that. Yet, there is something about her that turns me away from her very lady-like qualities. Although during, and after, the New Hampshire primary I saw her cry (twice) a good friend said to me today, “she’s a robot.” Now I don’t know much but a musical genius named Andrew Thompson once pleaded with me, in song, to “Never Trust Robots.” Here is the magnificent music video if you need further evidence for why you shouldn’t vote for Hillary with two L’s Never Trust Hillary?. With that, Hillary can forget my vote.

Dennis Kucinich (Democrat): Second to robots, I don’t trust elves (except the Keebler variety). You look like an elf. I don’t vote elf.

Mike Gravel (Democrat): I’m sorry, have we met?

Duncan Hunter (Republican):
I’m sorry, have we met?

John Edwards (Democrat): If I ever met you in person I’d probably jump on you like a circus clown on a tiny trampoline. You have dreamy eyes and a southern drawl. You make me drawl all over myself. I’d like to drawl you—naked! If you leave your wife for me I may vote for you. Every vote counts, huh? *Wink* you fine motha…

Mitt Romney (Republican): Who is named Mitt these days? I guess you wanted to name your child something awful too and decided on “Tagg” as in “Tagg Romney, you’re ALWAYS it!” That must have been terrible in grade school. Enough with the names, you’re a Mormon. I’ve seen Big Love on HBO, I’m no fool Mr. Romney. Bring out the wives, sir. Don’t bullshit us, sir. Where are you hiding the ladies? You’ll continue to get the “silver” until you show me some evidence of your true mormon-ness.

John McCain (Republican): You took New Hampshire by storm and were, at one point, a Vietnam prisoner of war. I imagine that wasn’t fun. Your wife is beautiful. Your children’s friends probably call her a MILF. If you were a democrat I’d consider you, mostly because I think your wife is pretty.

Rudy Giuliani (Republican): Giuliani makes you sound like a real I-Talian. Being I-Talian, I don’t trust other I-Talians. You remind Americans, often, about 9/11. I have a dog named Rudy and he’s the only Rudy I’ll ever root for.

Ron Paul (Republican): Ron Paul meet RuPaul, RuPaul meet Ron Paul. Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul, Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul-RuPaul Ron Paul-RuPaul Ron Paul-RuPaul. Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul. The end.

Fred Thompson (Republican): I liked you better on Law & Order.

Alan Keyes (Republican): You wrote a book entitled Masters of the Dream: The Strength and Betrayal of Black America. I would like to become a Master of the Dream. Is this like becoming a Jedi or a Lord of the Rings? I’m intrigued, Keyes, tell me more. I won’t ever vote for you but, please, let me embark upon my journey to become a master of the dream (cue: Enya music).

Barack Obama (Democrat): Ah, my sweet boy from Illinois. You rocked Iowa this past week, and my heart four years ago when you took the stage at the Democratic convention. It was love at first speech. Recently, John Kerry has endorsed you. I saw him when I was in D.C. and he was tall. I like tall people because they look nothing like elves (refer to Dennis Kucinich above). In your office in D.C. you have a picture of Abraham Lincoln. Instead of keeping photos of you and famous people, you respect one of this nation’s most refreshing and influential leaders. Obama says some brilliant things so why babble on about him when I can quote him.

“We are choosing hope over fear. We're choosing unity over division, and sending a powerful message that change is coming to America.”- Obama after Iowa win

“Education is now the currency of the Information Age. It's no longer just a pathway to opportunity and success - it's a pre-requisite.” Obama makes me swoon.

“In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation; the belief in things not seen; the belief that there are better days ahead.” Convention ’04 when I first fell.

To being informed, worldly, and something fun in between.

~The Lady~


Mary said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your take on the candidates. Holla.

Ma Vie en Rose said...

If anyone ever doubted you were my child...


Mama is so proud! :)


Loooooove love love you!