Swear By His Sword!

If music be the food of love, play on,

Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

-Twelfth Night Act 1, scene 1, 1–3

A couple days ago when J.K Rowling was asked (and I don't quote verbatim) "Did Dumbledore ever experience true love" she replied "I've always thought of Dumbledore as gay."

At that moment, family rights people and bigots everywhere experienced a minor constriction of their bowels. Meanwhile, in the United States, I smile.

Rowling went on to explain that he was in love with his rival Gellart Grindewald, how love can blind us sometimes, and that this love was his "great tragedy." Wow, that makes me want to re-read that portion of Book 7 because I clearly missed all the wonderful subtext.

Apparently, the producers of the 6th movie wanted to add some fictional female love for Dumbledore and Rowling crossed it out in the script and wrote "Dumbledore is gay." This story just keeps getting better and better! As a lover of all people (which means I love all colors of people, all different religious followers, and people with sexual preferences that differ from my own) I'm psyched Dumbledore is a homosexual. I can almost imagine him at a gay bar singing show tunes...ok, maybe thats a bit much. Either way, I like this recent outting of one of my favorite fictional wizards.

On Good Morning America they did a piece on this shocking Harry Potter revalation. It just so happened a convention for Family Rights was going on. Apparently, these assholes, I mean...good Moms & Dads, need to get together to fight over what American families should look like and, lets just put it out there, its not a Daddy-Daddy-son-daughter family. I guess its also not a Wizard-Wizard family situation either?

They questioned some of the morons, I mean good family folk, about Dumbledore. One guy said something to the point of "Sexuality should not be included in a family book." Well, sir, it never was and it never will be because the book series is over. I read every Harry Potter book and most more than once and, I never read a line that made me think "Hmm, Dumbledore clearly likes men!" Sexuality is never even mentioned. There is awkward pre-teen tension but, never sex. The book goes beyond sexuality, something these "Family Rights" tools can't seem to understand. If you're so set on cleaning up your precious child's fiction get your heads out of the gutter...its just not about that.

Clearly, I am infuriated by stupidity. Firstly, who says that a convention of people spouting family values know anything about what a family is. Its not some Norman Rockwell picture from the 50s. That dream will never be so, get over it. Rockwell is dead or else he might be painting a new American landscape with all different types of families and people.

If Dumbledore is gay, so what? Rowling didn't even mention it until the books were over and it won't warp your precious child's mind because, hello assholes, welcome to the 21st century; they have cable.

P.S. Family Rights morons, whats the divorce rate these days? Yeah, I thought so. SUCK IT!

~The Lady~

So Wise, So Young

"Get thee to a nunn'ry." --From Hamlet (III, i, 122)

It has been a long time since I’ve updated. Since the Britney debacle I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral myself. I lost custody of my kids and have to pee in a cup once a week so the judge knows I’m not smoking the dope.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to think of a good cultural and social situations that needs to be talked about. Sadly, my life has been preoccupied with becoming a teacher. Yes, I’m becoming a teacher and someday I’ll have to delete this blog in case some little shit, I mean, computer-savvy student figures out I pour my heart out to a computer screen.

With that said, I must talk about these little shits, I mean, wise students, I am working with in my student-teaching practicum. Keep in mind, I like most of them. I think they are funny and smart but, some of them are going to grow up to be “those people.” I’ll explain. Although these are middle school students, I can look at certain kids in the class and read their futures. I'm a little psychic these days. Plus, I'm getting old and have seen these characters a long time ago...when I was in middle school. I try not to, it’s not good to label students but, its natural to pigeon-hole them because they have already pigeon-holed themselves. I won’t be using their names but here is a little list of who they are and what they’ll become. This is what I do when I should be observing "how to teach."

Also, before I start, can you remember a teacher who you thought hated you? If they actually disliked you, he/she DEFINITLEY talked about you in the teacher’s lounge, in the hall way with other teachers, to their spouse, and when yelling at their children “You don’t want to end up like (insert your name here)." I see it daily and it’s brutal.

8th Graders, I See Your Future...
Paul Popular: He has been popular since he popped out his mother’s naughty area. Even the nurses thought how charming he was when they handed him over to his proud new parents. He’s still awkward looking, because its middle school but, someday very soon, he’s going to grow tall and realize “damn, I’m hot.” He’ll get any girl he wants but, somehow, he’ll find the sweetest girl in high school. The two will look perfect together. He’ll get by in classes because of his charm and because gosh-darn he is just the cutest thing ever. Teachers will love him, parents will want their children to be like him or be friends with him, and everyone will know his name. He'll be nice to the nerds (to their face), nice to the dumb kids (to their face), and reserve all his cool for when he's with his friends making fun of everyone he's so "nice" to. He and his sweet-gal will date until mid-freshman year of college when he’ll find out she was entwined in an orgy after a frat-keg party (See Sally Sweet below). He’ll graduate from Penn State with a business degree and end up a rich CEO based on his charm and good looks. Life is grand for Billy popular, even in the 8th grade. I kind of want on him...until I smack myself in the face and remember, "He's 12! He's 12 and you are his age plus 10 which makes you creepy...and old (sheds a single tear)."

Ned Nerd: Oh, dear God you are weird. You’re just weird. You know it, I know it, we all know it. You love it though, which makes me admire and fear your little weird self. You have glasses that are so thick and stereotypical. I suggest lasik but, you're too weird for that. You’re a sweet kid and teachers respect you because they know you’re weird but, you’re smart. Girls are cruel in middle school and blatantly move away from you when you sit near them. Girls are cruel in high school and won’t accept your offer to go to prom. Girls are just fucking cruel. One day though, you weird little weirdo, you’ll go to a prestigious college because, even in middle school, you know bigger words than me and I’m supposed to be your teacher. At that college you’ll meet another weirdo; a female weirdo who appreciates you for all the weirdness you bring to the table. If I've said it once I’ve said it a thousand times; when freaks mate, God smiles. You’ll make millions of dollars doing something smarter than I can even imagine in my prediction for you. God bless the weird little weirdo.

Sally Sweet: You’re pretty and you’re twelve. I hated you in middle school. I still kind of hate you now. You thought I was funny in middle school but that’s where the friendship ended. Sweet “hellos” in the hallways and nothing else but, you’re nice. You’re so nice I want to punt you out of the room because you won’t let me hate you! WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HATE YOU? You’ll date Paul Popular (see above) and everyone will always envy you for who you are but, want to be your friend at the same time. You have to have some flaws, right? You’ll join a sorority in college and as a sophomore be voted President of whatever Greek letters they’ve pooped together that year. After Paul finds out about the frat party, he’ll dump you. You’ll be crushed but, a week later you’ll meet a hotter version of Paul who is going to be a lawyer. You’ll be married at 24, have 4 babies by 29, and be a classified alcoholic by 32 after you find out the lawyer is cheating on you with Wanda Whore (see below). Ha, sweet revenge.
*this is my prediction so I can do what I want.

Wanda Whore: You were flirting in kindergarten. You say the word “sexy” referring to Zac Efron and all the class screams that you’re gross. You are sort of gross because you’re 12 but have perfected the blow job. At 12, I thought blow jobs referred to a hard day of balloon making. You don’t do work because you’re distracted by pimple-faced boys who you talk about myspace with. You flirt with Ned Nerd because you can; then make fun of him behind his back. You’re friends with Sally Sweet but no one knows what she sees in you. You think you’re really cool but your version of cool is warped. You’re boy crazy, don’t care about school, and don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’ll end up Homecoming Queen runner up because you’ll never be as good as Sally. You’ll end up at Penn State studying fashion merchandise. You’ll fail a lot of classes and need to stay on another year because you were too busy getting drunk and getting laid by a different guy every night. Daddy will find you a receptionist job when you finally graduate. You’ll get caught sleeping with your only friend’s husband and move to California where Daddy will pay your way until you finally meet a 65-year-old with lots of money. You’ll marry him and sleep with anyone who walks into your mansion. Did I mention I hate you?

Cody Clown: You’re a smart ass. Literally, you’re really smart but you can be such an asshole to get the attention of your classmates. I wish you would focus sometimes but, I relate to you. You use humor when you’re bored, when you know you’re smarter than others, or to evade situations. My only hope is that someone will guide you and take the time to make sure you don’t get swept under the carpet. Your future could go two ways; selling car parts or doing something that challenges you…which I know is what you need.

Allison Anal: When it comes to group work you’re the one doing all the work and fretting over how much you have to do. You say it’s because no one else will do it but, we all know you take over. You’re clever and smart; no one denies you’re going places. Just, lighten up before your already-developing-ulcer erupts. You’re twelve, flirt a little with the boys…not too much, no one wants to be a Wanda Whore (see slut above). You’ll go to a great college and won’t need any man to bring you down. You’ll find one, probably like Ned Nerd but a bit preppier and less odd; someone you can boss around who’ll adore you. One day, you’ll be the second female president and I’ll be proud to say I knew you when you were just an anal twelve-year-old.

Eduardo English as a Second Language: You're adorable, small, and quiet. You no habla Ingles. Sometimes, I want to take you aside and go over things you're clearly not understanding. You might be smart, who knows? The kids tease you and make you say things because you have an accent. One day, you'd like to force them all to eat horse shit while you laugh and point at them. Instead, you sit there confused hoping someone will explain to you what the hell is going on. Eventually, you'll get it. English will be as natural to you as your first language. On that day, you'll also grow tall and handsome. All those homely American girls who once teased you will want to do you. You 'll be too mysterious to even reject them which will, ultimatley, make them want you more. You'll become a writer and tell stories of coming to America and being a 20th century immigrant. You'll make millions and those homely girls will imagine their lovers are you. You'll raise a nice family with a beautiful wife and figuratively make all those who teased you eat horse shit when you write a novel about how hard middle school can be for a poor ESL student. Buenos fuerte little Eduardo.

There are more characters to chronicle but, I’m worn out for tonight. I really do like teaching. I get to see myself as a 12-year-old all over again and imagine the nasty things my teachers said about me.

Time to pee in a cup.

~The (OLD)Lady~

Oft Expectation Fails

"Let every eye negotiate for itself /And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch/Against whose charms faith melteth in blood."
-From Much Ado About Nothing

Disclaimer: Before you read this, if you did not see Britney's performance, watch the first minute of this shit-show and you'll understand the rest of this blog.

Oh, Britney! Why!? Why must you always let me down so? First, you dumped Kevin Federline--the man for you -- for a life of debauchery and neglecting your children. Now, you have this "comeback" on the MTV VMAs, your one opportunity to spite the critics, and what did you do? You danced like you were in a drunken stupor, you sang like...well, you let the recording do that job, and you performed like you were in a 3rd grade talent show (one in which you neglected to wear clothing). Why must you continue to fail me?

Thank the lord Sarah Silverman made fun of you. You've become such an easy target, Brit. I do feel for you a little bit. I understand you didnt have an adolescence because you were too busy becoming famous and making money. I'm sure that must be so tough to think you wasted your youth becoming famous and making money. But, have you ever once thought in your Southern-fried brain that maybe, just maybe, you had fans you should keep up the good work for? Have you ever once thought in all your crazy..."Like, maybe I should try to be my best for my fans?"

I'm no dance coach, but your moves were slow, off-time, boring, and lazy. You used to be a fun dancer to watch. If anything, the performance part was all you had going for you. Oh, and your good body which, I'm not saying anything but maybe, just maybe, you should've worn a complete shirt. Britney, come on, confess it all, you were stoned, right? Please, PLEASE, tell me thats why your performance was in slow-motion!

In conclusion Brit, your reputation won't do it all for you anymore. You can't just show up to a big event and shake a little while moving your mouth and think "Heck, I'm going to cause a stir! Everyone is going to love this!" You're no longer the snake charmer, the school girl is long-gone, and who cares that you kissed Madonna (wash your mouth out Madonna). You're just a blonde who, at one point in her lifetime, was unstoppable. Officially, you've been stopped Britney and you only have yourself to blame. Yet, I'll probably download your new songs because, gosh-darnit, they're somewhat catchy!

I guess you win again B. Spears.

~The Lady~

Why, That's My Dainty Ariel

"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps."
--From Much Ado About Nothing (III, i, 106)

The color pink makes me happy. I wonder, if I were male, if I could love the color so much. Would I be shamed if I did love it? Maybe, if I was a boy, I wouldn't like the color at all. Confined to blues and greens and the like at a young age I wouldn't know the wonders of pink.

It reminds me of Valentine's day, of a warm afternoon, of cute dresses and of all that cutesy stuff some people detest. Yet, I love it. In years past I've been ashamed of my desire to wear, see, and paint in pink. Much like my love of the Backstreet Boys, I pretended, I hid my love under shades of purple and blue. I thought if I could hide my love for a mix between red and white, no one know just how girly I was. I wonder when pink became the color of the girl? Is it because girls are supposed to have cheeks of pink? Or is it because it embodies something more that represents the female? I won't even go into the Aerosmith version of my precious color...sickos.

Anyway, this was a long way of saying that this Lady loves her sex's designated color. Following with the lines of conformity, I love me some pink. On my favorite show ever, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, a bride made everything (and I mean EVERYTHING down to her dog's fur-color) pink. It was glorious to this pink fiend.

In conclusion, I've changed my layout to display a shade of pink. It takes me a while to say what I started out to say. I LOVE PINK. Here is to all things Pink:

The singer/songwriter, the lady Pink

The panther who is a shade of Pink

Flamingos who only come in Pink

Cellphones that have been coated Pink

Drinks that have a tint of Pink

Bedrooms that are painted Pink

Lips that are glossed in Pink

Dresses & jewelery bedecked in Pink

Masters who dye their doggies Pink

NOT to Aerosmith & their dirty version of Pink

And to this Lady, who truly loves her Pink.

After writing this, saying and reading the word pink have somewhat made me sick. What a weird language we speak and write.

~The Lady~

Think You I am No Stronger Than My Sex

"Was ever woman in this humour woo'd?
Was ever woman in this humour won?"
--From King Richard III

Suave commercials...not so suave in my book.

Is anyone else disgusted with the new Suave marketing that practically says, to all Mother's who watch T.V., "Hey, you with the 4 kids you look a mess. Do up your hair woman! You's nasty!" Well, atleast something to that affect.

The ads are trying to promote women, who've become mothers, getting back to the sexy way they once were by using Suave's products. The commercial highlites the woman's downfall, how overrun the children make her look, how ugly she gets because she has kids. Each shot shows her getting worse and worse, saggier and saggier, messier and messier, until she's a complete wreck of the once beautiful youth who popped birth control into her mouth faster than a fat kid with a fresh new bag of M & M's. At the end, presto-chango, she uses Suave and remembers to say yes to the once beautiful lady she was.

Its pretty terrbile and I don't buy it Suave!

The poor name of Motherhood is being sullied by Suave in a beautifully crafted marketing scheme that makes Mother's sit back, relax, and feel like they're ugly. Why have they become a messy reflection of a woman? All because of the bastards they birthed.

Sadly, according to USA Today, the ads are working. Women everywhere LOVE feeling like their children have made them ugly and saggy reflections of they way they once were. Just add this to the list of guilt trips Mothers everywhere can now tack on to their unappreciative brats.

Heres some figures I scooped up like the ace reporter that I am:
Suave Survey Says...
Like the ads a lot
All respondents 14%
Ad Track survey average 21%
Male respondents
6%
Female respondents
18%

According to the survey done on USA Today.com, women are responding positively. Well, not this woman! I don't even look at the 6% of the opposite sex who like the commercial. I imagine they are old fat men who still live at home with their Mothers. Otherwise, they are just consumer driven monkeys who, shock of the century, think their wives have gone down the crapper with age and the birthing of their children. You, pig.

(Deep breath, and release)

The marketing geniuses have added, yet another, brilliant tag-line to their well oiled-ugly-Mommy commercial...."Say yes to beautiful without paying the price." Who wouldn't run right out, buy a Suave shampoo, and tell the cashier "I'm saying yes to beautiful...and ITS ON SALE!" when they've simply asked "Paper or plastic?" Who would answer "no" when beautiful came a knockin'? Not one female who was just made to feel ugly, because of the offspring, wouldn't atleast consider getting beautiful off the shelf at a discount.

But why make women feel ugly in the first place? Is it so wrong that a woman shows the war-wounds of a long day as she carries her breast-feeding baby and her toddler? Is it so wrong that after a long day of work, then spending time with the kids, she doesn't have a cute dress on and some makeup? Is it so wrong that, when faced with the decision to spend time with her children, or doll herself up, the Mother chose the children?

People say things were bad in the past for women. Atleast, in the 20s there weren't ads constantly reminding us that we had aged and worried more for the lives of our children then how flat our hair was (mostly because there wasn't the technology to consistently remind us of our faults). Suave, underneath it all, is trying to tell women not to focus so much on their families. Suave is so graciously telling women to take some "me"time. Yet, in the process, I am slightly offended by what the suggest about American women and our culture. Have we become so one-sided that we're either too egotistical to take care of our children, or are we so invovled with the kids that we've become frump-Queens? There is a balance and I've seen it in many of the Mother's I've met.

It really is much easier to be a man. How many commercials are geared to men looking good after they've squeezed a couple watermellons out of their special no-no areas? Oh, wait, they don't have to do that. They sort of just observe the birthing and look damn sexy until they die, right? For men, I guess Axe commercials spout "sex in a bottle" and some commercials scream "hair in a bottle." But, seriously, beyond that? No one calls Dad's ugly, saggy, a sadder image of the man they once were. So, can't we lay off the Mom's?

To my Mother, who has aged gracefully and always chose her children over her makeup bag. To my Mother, who has no wrinkles for her age and worked 40 hours a week but spent afternoons playing games with her children, feeding us, and tucking us in at night. We should applaud women like her, who don't need beauty at discount because the children around her tell her she's beautiful more for her spirit then her well applied lipstick.

Tell your Mom she's beautiful, it'll be more suave then any shampoo or conditioner commerical out there.

~ The Lady (?) ~

Is Whispering Nothing?

"I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you."
--From The Merchant of Venice (I, iii, 35-39)

Oh, no. I feel it. Here it comes....its a RANT ENTRY!

Teenage angsty-questioning begins NOW:

Why is that one of my better entries was under the influence? Is my writing better because I am liberated by the alcohol pumping through my veins whilst my fingers type vigorously? Should I write everything with a bit of booze in me? Should I become alcohol dependant? Would the boys at school like me more that way?

Secondly (and finally), is it wrong that I like Hugh Hefner's girlfriends and that I don't think their situation is all that weird? Is it bad that I am addicted to their show & have decided to go blonde? Is it wrong that I like their personalities (minus Kendra..she bothers me)? I thought I was such a feminist and now I realize, I love the Girl's Next Door who pretty much stand for everything I don't. Is it bad that I find them interesting and not disgusting? Is it so wrong that when the View had them on and made them feel like shit I felt bad for them? How is it that I sympathize with three girls who like an 80 year-old-man, walk around half naked, and sometimes make really dumb comments? Should I act dumb to get attention? Oh, no, whats happened to me?



Oh, woe is me. Whiney-whine. Angst, angst, angst! Oh what shall become of me!? SIGH-SIGH-SIGH! (Shakes fist in air) WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?

End of typical blog-style rant

~The Lady~

I Am Dying, Egypt, Dying

"Nothing can come of nothing: speak again."
--From King Lear (I, i, 92)

Queen Latifah's film "Last Holiday" spoke to me early this morning. As I was drinking my morning coffee I decided "Yes, Latifah, it is time to live life to fullest!"The movie is about living like you're dying. Feigning all responsibilities I had promised myself I'd do today (ie: cleaning my room, organizing my life, remaining on my diet, and caring for my hygiene) I, in my pajamas still, began drinking to life!

What so wrong with drinking at 11 a.m and being completely blitzed by 1:30? I ask this as I sip yet another kahlua and cream. Having literally no tolerance these days I am drunk off merely 2 small glasses of wine and one and a half kahlua-delights as I'm calling them now. Rightfully, I have continued my diet by replacing food with booze. Disgusting, you might say, but seriously I'm going to market this like Jenny Craig markets Kirstie Alley...er...healthy eating.

From now on my diet will consist of Kahlua delights for breakfast or Bloody Marys if I'm in the mood. Lunch will be Margaritas with lime (to stay on the light side). Dinner will consist of a Dirty Martinis (straight up or no way else) with a side of Gin & Tonics. For desserts - cake shots of course. Sleep will, obviously, ensue from there and morning will only bring more liquid delights. Mmm, I smell delicious drunkeness by 12 oclock everyday.

Also, I do not ask for your criticisms...I am merely following what Latifah told me to do. I'm living life to my fullest, at this moment. One day very soon I will have a purpose that doesn't involve the bottom of a bottle.

For now, maybe I should drink some water and get off my ass. Or, maybe, another round for me boys!

Cheers lovahhhs! Heres to the ladies who lush!

~The Lady~











*Disclaimer* This is a one-time only thing, I promise, for any who think I am in trouble like Lindsay Lohan on a good day. This was merely for journalistic purposes. I was only being a good reporter. If anyone would like to join in my debauchery call my cell. - The Lady