Monday, June 15, 2009

I Hold the World but as the World

Antonio:" I hold the world but as the world,
Gratiano,A stage where every man must play a part,
And mine a sad one."The Merchant of Venice (I, i, 77-79)

Life Lessons
Things people don’t like, don’t want to do and aren’t attracted to:

No one wants to…

1. Read anything Longer than a Page: This occurs when it could have been condensed into a sentence. For some people, they don’t want to read anything longer than a paragraph or a couple of words. You might feel this way if you continue reading…that is your right and I agree with you.
2. Listen to Rambling: Much like #1, when you talk too much people tend to think you’re full of yourself and, likewise, full of hot air. Phrases like, “She likes to hear herself talk,” were born out of the mouths of these people. Cut it off. “KISS” should be a constant reminder to your hot-air balloon mouth; keep it simple stupid. Also, stay away from me at bars or at social events where I want to have fun and I don’t want to think of escape routes from your extensive tongue (this sounds sexy, but isn’t).

3.Feel Stupid: Hey, are you condescending? Maybe before you can answer that question you need to answer the following: Do you like to ‘teach’ people constantly? Do you say “hun, honey, doll-face, sweetheart” when addressing people who are your age or a bit younger? Do you always think of a better way people can be doing something? When no one is asking for criticism, do you give it? Does your shit not stink? If you answered yes to any of the above, guess what, no one likes you.

4. Be Attacked by Sarcasm that isn’t Sarcasm: The kind of sarcasm where a) it wasn’t funny, b) it was a true statement about a person, but you changed the intonation of your voice, and c) it came from a deep bitter place within yourself. Keep it to yourself.

5. Feel Poor: “I only drive BMW,” she/he says as you think about your beat-ass Toyota in the parking lot. “I only wear Banana Republic,” she/he says as your look at your Kohls shirt with the stain in the middle. “I only use MAC,” as your PC needs to be restarted for the 33rd time in one day. “I wouldn’t dare eat crap from a fast food restaurant,” she/he says as you throw out your BigMac. “I only drink top-shelf alcohol,” he/she says as your slurp your $1 Miller. Who are these people? Where does their money come from? Why do I need to hear their valuable knowledge about being a materialistic a-hole? On top of that, why do I care? If I choose to fill my body with cheap food & drinks, dress it in cheap clothes and drive off in my cheap car (whilst twittering on my cheap PC), why do I need to hear doctrines on living the high-life?

6. Recieve Too Much Information: Yes, it was too much information. No, we don’t care about your sex life. Yes, it’s great that you are so “kinky.” No, I don’t want to think about you in that position. No, talking about this stuff doesn’t make you more attractive, it makes you more desperate for attention then I had originally thought.

7. Hang out with Debbie & Donny Downer: Starting with a sad story of your life doesn’t make people want to be your friend, it makes them pity you. Continuing to only tell sad stories about how awful your life is will only push people further away. People like happiness. They like to feel happy and they like the people around them to make them happy. Sure, we all have moments. Regardless, constantly being sad-sac doesn’t make anyone say, “Damn, I just wish I could hang out with that sad person all the time!”

8. Hang out with Negative Nancy & Ned: Going right along with #7, this couple makes everything ten times harder. Nothing will ever go right in their world and being around them only brings you down. These people are so absurdly negative that, at times, I laugh at them. Do you live in a war-town country? Are you oppressed, lobotomized, or isolated on a regular basis? What could have possibly happened to you that everything, in your mind, will end in with a wallop of bird-crap? Maybe the first step is to cheer up, look on the bright side and things might, just might, go better! Or you could hang out with Debbie/Donny Downer and have a depressing party.

9. Check out your Metaphors & your Big Words: Just because you know what a “paradigm” is doesn’t mean you need to throw it around like some dazzling emphasis of how “smart” you are. You’re only going to slow down the conversation and distract everyone from your original intent by making them feel stupid. Or was that what you wanted? Likewise, save the metaphorical conversation for a day when people care about how clever you are (*this day won’t actually come*).

10. Question your Real Age: This type of person/characteristic can go two ways; acting below your age or far above your own age. Listen, if you’re still worrying about events taking place at your high school, step out of your comfort zone and recognize “Hell, I’m 28 years old and I should get a life!” Likewise, if you’re busy making others feel stupid (refer to #3) because you’re so much more mature (you probably drop the big words too) you should probably stop yourself before everyone you care about realizes you’re an asshole.

11. Be Lied to: When the lies become greater than the person you really are you will surely lie yourself into a hole. No one is as great as you pretend you are. No one has such elaborate stories. No one believes a word you say. Just stop.

12. Tactless Wonder - Stop telling people, "Well, I'm opinionated and thats just who I am." You're not nice. Its not about having an opinion, its about whether or not that opinion is hurtful and useless. Common sense and kindergarten lessons are what you really need. Maybe there you'll learn wherey ou can stick your "opinions."
13. I'm Always Right- No. You're not. Call it a day, go home, think about life and get over yourself. Listen to others sometimes and you might hear how wrong you really are.

I know I went against most of these in writing a lengthy, condescending piece in which I used big words and metaphors, the point is I notice this stuff daily. I notice how one person’s behavior can bring down another person’s self-esteem in about a second. I observe the unskilled behaviors of so many people that sometimes I just want to scream. There will be no end to this stuff, but sometimes it feels good to call these people assholes even if its in a blog that no one reads.

Peace, love, optimism and NOT being a d-bag.

~The Lady~

Thursday, June 4, 2009

To Rudy

Since Saturday morning I have been thinking to myself “Who gets so upset over a dog?” In the past few days, while receiving the love and kindness of coworkers, friends & family I’ve realized a lot of people get so upset over a dog. I’ve seen grown men cry, strangers tear up and people consoling me with understanding eyes. I’ve heard people say “Pets are like family members,” and my cynicism takes over. “No,” I think, “pets are animals. That’s it, just animals.” Well, if that were the case I would not be writing this blog.

I won’t pretend that I’m “over it,” but I am slowly recouping from the trauma of losing a bad dog. He was bad. He chased birds, he ate the trash and he was a lousy guard dog. He was afraid of everything—especially squirt bottles which he would be threatened with while he barked at birds and did loop-de-loops around the house. I would come home to his piercing screeches of “I NEED TO GO OUT NOW” and I was awoken by him on more than 1,000 Saturday mornings. He ate off plates unattended and he would get “rough” when playing with the other smaller dogs. He had sad eyes that stared you down when he had jumped into your seat and growled for its ownership. He shed his red hair in every area of the house. He climbed couches, made holes in furniture and scratched the shit out of the windowsills.

He left his mark in every room. Now that he’s gone, these are all the reminders we have of him. Some of the reminders we hold onto are the noises, the annoyances and the things that once made us scream his name. Now, we wish we had those moments back.

Much like when a young person dies, saying good-bye to a young dog is hard. He was 6 and had a heart-attack; probably from the stress that life had put on him, but I guess we’ll never know. We got him from the NBC 10 show where they promote adopting from the SPCA. Someone had, most likely, abandoned him & abused him. They showed him off as "Shamus" a skinny pure-bred that, as a 1-year-old, looked like life had not treated him kindly. We hit the doggy lotto; an Irish Setter for free! He was a bad dog. He was timid and gangly when we first got him. He was my replacement. I moved out to college, Rudy (previously known as Shamus) was the new member of the house.

We’ve been able to console ourselves with the stories of his life. The time he ran away and I lured him into the house with a slice of pizza, or that time he almost ate a bird which sent my mother and I into hysterics. Then there was the last time I saw him when he, instead of screeching as I entered the house, jumped up on his back legs and hugged me in the best way a dog can. I wish I could hear him screech again, something I thought I would never say.

So this is my eulogy for Rudy; a bad dog who I will miss more than I realized.

The Lady