Saturday, August 25, 2007

Why, That's My Dainty Ariel

"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps."
--From Much Ado About Nothing (III, i, 106)

The color pink makes me happy. I wonder, if I were male, if I could love the color so much. Would I be shamed if I did love it? Maybe, if I was a boy, I wouldn't like the color at all. Confined to blues and greens and the like at a young age I wouldn't know the wonders of pink.

It reminds me of Valentine's day, of a warm afternoon, of cute dresses and of all that cutesy stuff some people detest. Yet, I love it. In years past I've been ashamed of my desire to wear, see, and paint in pink. Much like my love of the Backstreet Boys, I pretended, I hid my love under shades of purple and blue. I thought if I could hide my love for a mix between red and white, no one know just how girly I was. I wonder when pink became the color of the girl? Is it because girls are supposed to have cheeks of pink? Or is it because it embodies something more that represents the female? I won't even go into the Aerosmith version of my precious color...sickos.

Anyway, this was a long way of saying that this Lady loves her sex's designated color. Following with the lines of conformity, I love me some pink. On my favorite show ever, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, a bride made everything (and I mean EVERYTHING down to her dog's fur-color) pink. It was glorious to this pink fiend.

In conclusion, I've changed my layout to display a shade of pink. It takes me a while to say what I started out to say. I LOVE PINK. Here is to all things Pink:

The singer/songwriter, the lady Pink
The panther who is a shade of Pink
Flamingos who only come in Pink
Cellphones that have been coated Pink
Drinks that have a tint of Pink
Bedrooms that are painted Pink
Lips that are glossed in Pink
Dresses & jewelery bedecked in Pink
Masters who dye their doggies Pink
NOT to Aerosmith & their dirty version of Pink
And to this Lady, who truly loves her Pink.

After writing this, saying and reading the word pink have somewhat made me sick. What a weird language we speak and write.

~The Lady~

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Think You I am No Stronger Than My Sex

"Was ever woman in this humour woo'd?
Was ever woman in this humour won?"
--From King Richard III

Suave commercials...not so suave in my book.

Is anyone else disgusted with the new Suave marketing that practically says, to all Mother's who watch T.V., "Hey, you with the 4 kids you look a mess. Do up your hair woman! You's nasty!" Well, atleast something to that affect.

The ads are trying to promote women, who've become mothers, getting back to the sexy way they once were by using Suave's products. The commercial highlites the woman's downfall, how overrun the children make her look, how ugly she gets because she has kids. Each shot shows her getting worse and worse, saggier and saggier, messier and messier, until she's a complete wreck of the once beautiful youth who popped birth control into her mouth faster than a fat kid with a fresh new bag of M & M's. At the end, presto-chango, she uses Suave and remembers to say yes to the once beautiful lady she was.

Its pretty terrbile and I don't buy it Suave!
The poor name of Motherhood is being sullied by Suave in a beautifully crafted marketing scheme that makes Mother's sit back, relax, and feel like they're ugly. Why have they become a messy reflection of a woman? All because of the bastards they birthed.
Sadly, according to USA Today, the ads are working. Women everywhere LOVE feeling like their children have made them ugly and saggy reflections of they way they once were. Just add this to the list of guilt trips Mothers everywhere can now tack on to their unappreciative brats.

Heres some figures I scooped up like the ace reporter that I am:
Suave Survey Says...
Like the ads a lot
All respondents 14%
Ad Track survey average 21%
Male respondents
Female respondents
According to the survey done on USA, women are responding positively. Well, not this woman! I don't even look at the 6% of the opposite sex who like the commercial. I imagine they are old fat men who still live at home with their Mothers. Otherwise, they are just consumer driven monkeys who, shock of the century, think their wives have gone down the crapper with age and the birthing of their children. You, pig.
(Deep breath, and release)

The marketing geniuses have added, yet another, brilliant tag-line to their well oiled-ugly-Mommy commercial...."Say yes to beautiful without paying the price." Who wouldn't run right out, buy a Suave shampoo, and tell the cashier "I'm saying yes to beautiful...and ITS ON SALE!" when they've simply asked "Paper or plastic?" Who would answer "no" when beautiful came a knockin'? Not one female who was just made to feel ugly, because of the offspring, wouldn't atleast consider getting beautiful off the shelf at a discount.

But why make women feel ugly in the first place? Is it so wrong that a woman shows the war-wounds of a long day as she carries her breast-feeding baby and her toddler? Is it so wrong that after a long day of work, then spending time with the kids, she doesn't have a cute dress on and some makeup? Is it so wrong that, when faced with the decision to spend time with her children, or doll herself up, the Mother chose the children?

People say things were bad in the past for women. Atleast, in the 20s there weren't ads constantly reminding us that we had aged and worried more for the lives of our children then how flat our hair was (mostly because there wasn't the technology to consistently remind us of our faults). Suave, underneath it all, is trying to tell women not to focus so much on their families. Suave is so graciously telling women to take some "me"time. Yet, in the process, I am slightly offended by what the suggest about American women and our culture. Have we become so one-sided that we're either too egotistical to take care of our children, or are we so invovled with the kids that we've become frump-Queens? There is a balance and I've seen it in many of the Mother's I've met.

It really is much easier to be a man. How many commercials are geared to men looking good after they've squeezed a couple watermellons out of their special no-no areas? Oh, wait, they don't have to do that. They sort of just observe the birthing and look damn sexy until they die, right? For men, I guess Axe commercials spout "sex in a bottle" and some commercials scream "hair in a bottle." But, seriously, beyond that? No one calls Dad's ugly, saggy, a sadder image of the man they once were. So, can't we lay off the Mom's?

To my Mother, who has aged gracefully and always chose her children over her makeup bag. To my Mother, who has no wrinkles for her age and worked 40 hours a week but spent afternoons playing games with her children, feeding us, and tucking us in at night. We should applaud women like her, who don't need beauty at discount because the children around her tell her she's beautiful more for her spirit then her well applied lipstick.

Tell your Mom she's beautiful, it'll be more suave then any shampoo or conditioner commerical out there.

~ The Lady (?) ~

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Is Whispering Nothing?

"I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you."
--From The Merchant of Venice (I, iii, 35-39)

Oh, no. I feel it. Here it comes....its a RANT ENTRY!

Teenage angsty-questioning begins NOW:

Why is that one of my better entries was under the influence? Is my writing better because I am liberated by the alcohol pumping through my veins whilst my fingers type vigorously? Should I write everything with a bit of booze in me? Should I become alcohol dependant? Would the boys at school like me more that way?

Secondly (and finally), is it wrong that I like Hugh Hefner's girlfriends and that I don't think their situation is all that weird? Is it bad that I am addicted to their show & have decided to go blonde? Is it wrong that I like their personalities (minus Kendra..she bothers me)? I thought I was such a feminist and now I realize, I love the Girl's Next Door who pretty much stand for everything I don't. Is it bad that I find them interesting and not disgusting? Is it so wrong that when the View had them on and made them feel like shit I felt bad for them? How is it that I sympathize with three girls who like an 80 year-old-man, walk around half naked, and sometimes make really dumb comments? Should I act dumb to get attention? Oh, no, whats happened to me?

Oh, woe is me. Whiney-whine. Angst, angst, angst! Oh what shall become of me!? SIGH-SIGH-SIGH! (Shakes fist in air) WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?

End of typical blog-style rant

~The Lady~

Monday, August 6, 2007

I Am Dying, Egypt, Dying

"Nothing can come of nothing: speak again."
--From King Lear (I, i, 92)

Queen Latifah's film "Last Holiday" spoke to me early this morning. As I was drinking my morning coffee I decided "Yes, Latifah, it is time to live life to fullest!"The movie is about living like you're dying. Feigning all responsibilities I had promised myself I'd do today (ie: cleaning my room, organizing my life, remaining on my diet, and caring for my hygiene) I, in my pajamas still, began drinking to life!

What so wrong with drinking at 11 a.m and being completely blitzed by 1:30? I ask this as I sip yet another kahlua and cream. Having literally no tolerance these days I am drunk off merely 2 small glasses of wine and one and a half kahlua-delights as I'm calling them now. Rightfully, I have continued my diet by replacing food with booze. Disgusting, you might say, but seriously I'm going to market this like Jenny Craig markets Kirstie eating.

From now on my diet will consist of Kahlua delights for breakfast or Bloody Marys if I'm in the mood. Lunch will be Margaritas with lime (to stay on the light side). Dinner will consist of a Dirty Martinis (straight up or no way else) with a side of Gin & Tonics. For desserts - cake shots of course. Sleep will, obviously, ensue from there and morning will only bring more liquid delights. Mmm, I smell delicious drunkeness by 12 oclock everyday.

Also, I do not ask for your criticisms...I am merely following what Latifah told me to do. I'm living life to my fullest, at this moment. One day very soon I will have a purpose that doesn't involve the bottom of a bottle.

For now, maybe I should drink some water and get off my ass. Or, maybe, another round for me boys!

Cheers lovahhhs! Heres to the ladies who lush!

~The Lady~

*Disclaimer* This is a one-time only thing, I promise, for any who think I am in trouble like Lindsay Lohan on a good day. This was merely for journalistic purposes. I was only being a good reporter. If anyone would like to join in my debauchery call my cell. - The Lady