Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Plague On Both Your Houses

"Done to death by slanderous tongue
Was the Hero that here lies"
Much Ado About Nothing (V, iii, 3-4)

While scanning other blogs late last evening, I realized I must seem like a complete moron. Firstly, I know I use a style in which is equivalent to a horny 8-year-old with a foul mouth. At times, I contend, my writing has been ungrammatical and incorrect and you, my precious readers (I can’t decide whether reader should be singular or plural), have probably lost faith in this future English teacher. I apologize for my shortcomings. As this is my space to write I believed I could write, uh, what ever the fuck I wanted. Nevertheless, this entry shall redeem my efforts and your faiths in the futures of your children.

Furthermore, it would seem the only things I can write about are drugs, television, alcohol, and celebrities (of whom I usually find to be attractive or drunk messes). Being a lady, I thought it was time to start getting serious and write a heady manuscript based on my political opinions in this year of the elections. Today, I will forego being a celebrity gossip fiend, drunk, and whatever keen nicknames you, my devoted reader(s), will give me and try to flex my political muscles. By the end of this entry you might just realize how incredibly well-read and intuitive I am.

My understanding of the 2008 candidates is as follows, and in no particular order. Another fun fact for you, my loyal reader(s), is that this lady is a registered democrat. If my previous writings haven’t demonstrated to you my liberal views well, then, I don’t believe you were actively reading. Finally, before I begin, I know some of these candidates dropped out. I don’t mind because I’m showing off my smarts.

Mike Huckabee (Republican): You have a swell last name. It’s a mix of Huckleberry Finn and, well, Bee. I like it. You’re a republican and if I combined your name with your political affiliation I would get Huckarepubee (Huck-a-repub-ee). That looks like the word pubes, which makes me giggle. Other than that, I’m told you don’t like the gays which makes you pretty stupid. Huckastupidbee (Huck-a-stupid-bee). On further thought, maybe I don’t like you so much. No vote, bud.

Hillary Rodham Clinton (Democrat): Hillary is a lady and I like that. Yet, there is something about her that turns me away from her very lady-like qualities. Although during, and after, the New Hampshire primary I saw her cry (twice) a good friend said to me today, “she’s a robot.” Now I don’t know much but a musical genius named Andrew Thompson once pleaded with me, in song, to “Never Trust Robots.” Here is the magnificent music video if you need further evidence for why you shouldn’t vote for Hillary with two L’s Never Trust Hillary?. With that, Hillary can forget my vote.

Dennis Kucinich (Democrat): Second to robots, I don’t trust elves (except the Keebler variety). You look like an elf. I don’t vote elf.

Mike Gravel (Democrat): I’m sorry, have we met?

Duncan Hunter (Republican):
I’m sorry, have we met?

John Edwards (Democrat): If I ever met you in person I’d probably jump on you like a circus clown on a tiny trampoline. You have dreamy eyes and a southern drawl. You make me drawl all over myself. I’d like to drawl you—naked! If you leave your wife for me I may vote for you. Every vote counts, huh? *Wink* you fine motha…

Mitt Romney (Republican): Who is named Mitt these days? I guess you wanted to name your child something awful too and decided on “Tagg” as in “Tagg Romney, you’re ALWAYS it!” That must have been terrible in grade school. Enough with the names, you’re a Mormon. I’ve seen Big Love on HBO, I’m no fool Mr. Romney. Bring out the wives, sir. Don’t bullshit us, sir. Where are you hiding the ladies? You’ll continue to get the “silver” until you show me some evidence of your true mormon-ness.

John McCain (Republican): You took New Hampshire by storm and were, at one point, a Vietnam prisoner of war. I imagine that wasn’t fun. Your wife is beautiful. Your children’s friends probably call her a MILF. If you were a democrat I’d consider you, mostly because I think your wife is pretty.

Rudy Giuliani (Republican): Giuliani makes you sound like a real I-Talian. Being I-Talian, I don’t trust other I-Talians. You remind Americans, often, about 9/11. I have a dog named Rudy and he’s the only Rudy I’ll ever root for.

Ron Paul (Republican): Ron Paul meet RuPaul, RuPaul meet Ron Paul. Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul, Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul-RuPaul Ron Paul-RuPaul Ron Paul-RuPaul. Ron Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron PaulRon Paul-RuPaul, RuPaul-Ron Paul. The end.

Fred Thompson (Republican): I liked you better on Law & Order.

Alan Keyes (Republican): You wrote a book entitled Masters of the Dream: The Strength and Betrayal of Black America. I would like to become a Master of the Dream. Is this like becoming a Jedi or a Lord of the Rings? I’m intrigued, Keyes, tell me more. I won’t ever vote for you but, please, let me embark upon my journey to become a master of the dream (cue: Enya music).

Barack Obama (Democrat): Ah, my sweet boy from Illinois. You rocked Iowa this past week, and my heart four years ago when you took the stage at the Democratic convention. It was love at first speech. Recently, John Kerry has endorsed you. I saw him when I was in D.C. and he was tall. I like tall people because they look nothing like elves (refer to Dennis Kucinich above). In your office in D.C. you have a picture of Abraham Lincoln. Instead of keeping photos of you and famous people, you respect one of this nation’s most refreshing and influential leaders. Obama says some brilliant things so why babble on about him when I can quote him.

“We are choosing hope over fear. We're choosing unity over division, and sending a powerful message that change is coming to America.”- Obama after Iowa win

“Education is now the currency of the Information Age. It's no longer just a pathway to opportunity and success - it's a pre-requisite.” Obama makes me swoon.

“In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation; the belief in things not seen; the belief that there are better days ahead.” Convention ’04 when I first fell.

To being informed, worldly, and something fun in between.

~The Lady~

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

What's In a Name?

"How strange or odd some'er I bear myself—As I perchance hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on—That you, at such times seeing me, never shall" - Hamlet

Lately, I have noticed something rotten in the state of Denmark, otherwise known as Hollywood, California. Do these three actors look alike, or is it just me? To me their resemblence is so striking I had to IMDB their names to clarify who is whom. Granted, they all have something strikingly attractive but, they're like Hollywood triplets. Likewise, they have similar acting styles. With their deep set eyes they penetrate the hearts of women with their slight cockiness yet everday guy acting.

One of the above men is marrying Fergie. Lucky him because I hear she's "Fergalicious" which is, obviously, an adjective meaning "being like or named, Fergie." I know of one other Fergalicious woman, Sarah Ferguson duchess of York aka the original Fergie. Anyway, this man stars in a show that airs Friday nights called "Las Vegas." Sadly, I am far too popular to watch this show, and by popular I mean drunk, alone on Friday nights, dancing in my leggings and long blouse (ala Lindsay Lohan my hero). I digress, this look-alike was also seen in Transformers making him pretty damn Fergalicious himself. Or would he be Josh-a-licious as his name is Josh Duhamel. Props to you Josh, you look like three other male actors.

Another man above was once on a show that was on the air for 52 years called "7th Heavan." I hated this show because the father was a preacher, they had 7 kids (get it, 7th heavan? GET IT?) that were all wholesome, and because Jessica Biel can't act her way out of her own asshole. This guy was pretty decent and definitley the only sexy aspect of "7th Heavan." I'm still pissed that they didn't change the name to 9th Heavan when the mother popped out twins at 45 years old. Anyway, now this handsome 1 outta 7 member is on "Samantha Who" which is much funnier, and a lot sexier, than "7th Heavan." If you're ever in the mood to laugh, this young lass was also in the acclaimed film Sorority Girls where he plays a young lassy. Comedy ensues thanks to Barry Watson and his familiar face.

Although one of these men looks like the other, he stands out to me because he's a bad boy. I mean, he's married with kids in real life but there is something about him that...well....let's just say he would've been kicked off "7th Heavan" after a solemn talking to by the preacher-dad. I don't even feel like getting into his list of films (all sexy), and "Deadwood" on HBO (bow-chica-bow-wow), because Timothy Olyphant shakes up the good-guy image of the Hollywood triplets.

Wait a minutes, who are you sir? You look like the Hollywood triplets? Good lord, ANOTHER ONE OF YOU? Are you brothers? This lad is on "October Road" which I sometimes keep on in the background while I crochet yet another afghan, after I get over my hangover while wearing my leggings and blouse. Another tangent, I apologize. This man, oddly enough, was on an episode of Las Vegas (with Josh) and graced "7th Heavan" with Barry. This is getting weird. You're pretty adorable, Geoff Stultz. *Upon further research I find Geoff Stultz has a twin brother...George. George doesn't look like Geoff but, like most of this list, was on fucking "7th Heavan." Goddamn that show

*Upon further research, I'm going to hell.

Love and look-alikes in 2008,

~The Lady~
(Imagine a picture of a woman who looks like the above men)