Monday, May 25, 2009

A Lean and Hungry Look

Let me have men about me that are fat,
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep a-nights.
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look,
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you school-loans, wish you had taken those lemons and made them into dinner, a new fancy drink, decorative earrings and an entire outfit.

I am not claiming poverty, and I count my lucky stars every night before I go to sleep, but I have resolved to be more stingy in many areas of my life. Likewise, I’ve noticed the correlation between being a “fat ass” and being a “broke ass.”

With the recent economic—how do you say—ah, yes, shit-show of 2009, I thought it was time I joined the bandwagon of saving some cash. So here are my sure bet ways to save some money & lose weight in 2009. Copyright “The Lady”

1. Eat cardboard instead of expensive fat-free crackers (which taste like cardboard). Cardboard is made of paper, which is made of trees, which means I’d be recycling AND losing weight. I’d take “Going Green” to a new level of insanity. Wow, between dieting, the recession and going green I’d really hit 3-fads in 1. I am awesome.

2. Don’t travel…anywhere. If I don’t go anywhere I won’t need gas (saving $). If I don’t go anywhere I can’t buy food that will make me fat (no more fatty). If I don’t go anywhere I won’t have friends, which means I won’t have friends who have birthdays, which means I won’t have to buy anything for anyone (saving $$$).

3. No more gym! There goes that 50 bucks a month. I can work my triceps and biceps curling my remote control! I can also walk to work to save money on gas. Walking to work is a good 25 miles, so that’s like 6,000 calories! I’ll have to leave at 1 am for my 7:30 job, but it will be well worth it as I lose calories and gain cash! Ca-CHING!

4. Pack lunches for work filled with the best stuff on Earth; love! When a co-worker asks, “Hey, what are you having for lunch?” I’ll tell them proudly, “just a bag of love!” When they ask if they can have some, I will tell them “yes” as there is enough to go around. They will ask me, “where is the love” and I will tell them “love is all they need.” When my love-lunch gives them indigestion then I will remind my co-worker that “love is a battlefield” and “love hurts.” I think you get the point….BUT I’M NOT FINISHED…When my co-worker tells me they have loose stool I will remind them that “love, love will keep us together” because, I know for a fact, love is full of fiber! Too much? I think so.

5. I will save money by eating grass and tree leaves. If my Shih-Tzu can get away with it why can’t I? I will lose the pounds by starting the tree-leaf diet. This eating habit, plus the 25 mile walk, will surely do the trick (or kill me, I’ve not decided which). Also, I'm pretty sure my Shih-Tzu vomits everytime she eats grass or leaves....I won't go there though.

6. I will sell millions of copies of my “Purse and Food Diet” book and motivational tapes. I will make tons of money off the book, promotions and “The Lady” action figure. Celebrities will promote my diet and, soon enough, it will be a fad all on its own. With that, I won’t need to starve my pocketbook any longer and will buy a mansion, BMW and a pool filled with JELLO Pudding. Mmm, pudding! Just kidding, make that a pool filled with whipped cream! Mmm, whipped cream! Forget it all – A POOL OF ICE CREAM! Mmm, ice cream!

Off to eat my face in ice cream (that cost $3.99)! I guess this Lady's diet will just have to wait for another day.

Love and donuts,

The Lady

Monday, May 18, 2009

In Action How Like a God

Rosencrantz: My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts. Hamlet Act 2, scene 2, 303–312

I’ve found my way back home and I am ready to vent. Where to start?

I have been a fan of TLC’s John and Kate+ Eight for the past year. With that, the recent news of his alleged discretions has hit me hard. How could he abandon us like that? How could he do something so hurtful? With those questions, I hear the justification of “well, she’s such a bitch to him that he should cheat on her.” That is where my eye begins to twitch with fury; and when my eye starts twitching best to clear out of my way.

The point is, I don’t care how awful you are to someone you don’t deserve to be cheated on. Plus, and let me get on my feminist soapbox, just because she is a hard-nosed, organized, ball-busting female that doesn’t make her a bitch. How does her personality make her a bitch who should be cheated on? What rational world do we live in if bitch = deserved to be punished by the man you married? Where in most cases I feel “bitches get stitches” I would never stoop so low to say “she’s annoying, CHEAT ON HER!”

Sure, I think she’s nuts for having 8 kids, but I think she is the only person who could handle it. You have to be a bit of a bitchy-wacko to take care of 8 children. Not too much of a wacko though ie: OctoMom (a story for another entry).

I don’t get why she’s a “bitch” and he’s such a martyr for putting up with her. The woman birthed 8 babies (6 in one shot) for this man. As anyone who watches the show has seen, that took a toll on her body; if my stomach stretched that far out, filled with human beings, I would vomit at my own reflection. She looked like a skin mini-van of John’s spawn. Wow, that is gross. Hold on…I need a minute to compose myself.

Anyway, she takes care of them daily while he is at work. She gave up her job to run the household in which her major conversations are with 3 year-olds. As a long-time babysitter, I know how hard it can be to only talk to youngins’ all day. By the time your day is through, you’d be a bitch too. Plus, you’d be making Dora the Explorer references and really lame jokes about baby-wipes and sippy cups. She cleans up pee, puke, poop and other nastiness that would make me gag. That’s a hard task when the liquids are coming out of one child let alone 8 at once. That’s like a puking, peeing, pooping monster. Wow, that is gross. Hold on…I need a minute to compose myself again.

Why does she do it—because she loves them and her husband.

No one deserves the trust of the person they love to be thrown away like some diaper. Sure, she might be nasty, but she hasn’t earned the right to be cheated on. Even the nastiest of ladies I know should be honored by their men (but reap the pain of my angry twitching EYE!).

(Hops off of feminist soap-box)
~The Lady~