O shame, where is thy blush?
If thou canst mutine in a matron's bones,
To flaming youth let virtue be as wax
And melt in her own fire. Hamlet Act 3, scene 4, 81–85
I do not do well in heat. My body, my hair, and my overall being just don’t match up with overly hot and humid weather. If I were a can of hairspray, I would be highly flammable. If I were a dog, I would get overheated easily. If I were a homosexual, I would be of the flaming variety. I just don’t do well in the heat. Granted, neither do old people nor children locked in small cars but I don’t hear them complaining. Which brings me to my top ten list: Top Ten Things to do When the Weather is Scorching Hot.
10. Run around in the sprinkler…that your neighbor puts on even during the drought. Scream and yell in your bathing suit as you jump through the crisp cold sprinkler squirts. When your neighbor reprimands you, tell him you’re with the Sprinkler Control and that he cares more for his grass than the environment. Then run away, with your arms flailing, screaming “SPRINKLER CONTROL” whilst making siren noises.
9. Eat water ice…that you’ve stolen from a small child—preferably a toddler. The smaller their hands the easier to steal from them (this is a well known fact documented in the Encyclopedia of Being a Bad Person).
8. Turn on your air conditioner…to 20 degrees. Pull out your parka and tack an “Eskimo Home” sign on your front door. All the neighbors will be jealous when you get hypothermia.
7. Go to the beach…and pretend you’re a beached whale. People will try desperately to cool you off with buckets of water and throw you back. Plus, the news crews will be all over this nautical event.
6. Go the pool…and pretend you’re drowning. If for nothing else you’ll get a free hookup with a lifeguard (at least that’s what “The Sandlot” and “Baywatch” have taught me).
5. Drink water…gallons of it, until you die from Water-Poisoning. Can you say poster-child for hydration?
4. Wear 35+ sun block…and a visor, carry an umbrella, wear gloves, a turbin and footy pajamas (just to be safe). If the sun hits your skin scream “UVA EQUALS DEATH” and run into the shade as quickly as possible.
3. Lounge in a pool….of ice cubes. Feel the tingle of cooling down.
2. Wear deodorant…on every bit of your body that sweats (ie: anywhere that has a pore of some sort). Nobody likes a hot-stinker so make sure you buy surplus deodorant. Only you can prevent hot sticky messes!
And the number one way to stay cool in the Summer….
1. Read this blog. Are you reading this blog? Well, you’re already cooler than you were when you weren’t reading this blog! Is this a shameless play on words? Yes. Are you cool? Yes. Any complaints? I didn’t think so.
Keep cool (the catch phrase of the month heard from the mouths of everyone I pass).