Monday, August 6, 2007

I Am Dying, Egypt, Dying

"Nothing can come of nothing: speak again."
--From King Lear (I, i, 92)

Queen Latifah's film "Last Holiday" spoke to me early this morning. As I was drinking my morning coffee I decided "Yes, Latifah, it is time to live life to fullest!"The movie is about living like you're dying. Feigning all responsibilities I had promised myself I'd do today (ie: cleaning my room, organizing my life, remaining on my diet, and caring for my hygiene) I, in my pajamas still, began drinking to life!

What so wrong with drinking at 11 a.m and being completely blitzed by 1:30? I ask this as I sip yet another kahlua and cream. Having literally no tolerance these days I am drunk off merely 2 small glasses of wine and one and a half kahlua-delights as I'm calling them now. Rightfully, I have continued my diet by replacing food with booze. Disgusting, you might say, but seriously I'm going to market this like Jenny Craig markets Kirstie eating.

From now on my diet will consist of Kahlua delights for breakfast or Bloody Marys if I'm in the mood. Lunch will be Margaritas with lime (to stay on the light side). Dinner will consist of a Dirty Martinis (straight up or no way else) with a side of Gin & Tonics. For desserts - cake shots of course. Sleep will, obviously, ensue from there and morning will only bring more liquid delights. Mmm, I smell delicious drunkeness by 12 oclock everyday.

Also, I do not ask for your criticisms...I am merely following what Latifah told me to do. I'm living life to my fullest, at this moment. One day very soon I will have a purpose that doesn't involve the bottom of a bottle.

For now, maybe I should drink some water and get off my ass. Or, maybe, another round for me boys!

Cheers lovahhhs! Heres to the ladies who lush!

~The Lady~

*Disclaimer* This is a one-time only thing, I promise, for any who think I am in trouble like Lindsay Lohan on a good day. This was merely for journalistic purposes. I was only being a good reporter. If anyone would like to join in my debauchery call my cell. - The Lady

1 comment:

Meg said...

dear lady,

when i return to the philadelphia area, i would love to join you in this amazing plan.

love, the teeniest tiniest person ever.

ps: do you have a sock i could borrow as a sleeping bag? haha.