Sunday, October 14, 2007

So Wise, So Young

"Get thee to a nunn'ry." --From Hamlet (III, i, 122)
It has been a long time since I’ve updated. Since the Britney debacle I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral myself. I lost custody of my kids and have to pee in a cup once a week so the judge knows I’m not smoking the dope.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to think of a good cultural and social situations that needs to be talked about. Sadly, my life has been preoccupied with becoming a teacher. Yes, I’m becoming a teacher and someday I’ll have to delete this blog in case some little shit, I mean, computer-savvy student figures out I pour my heart out to a computer screen.

With that said, I must talk about these little shits, I mean, wise students, I am working with in my student-teaching practicum. Keep in mind, I like most of them. I think they are funny and smart but, some of them are going to grow up to be “those people.” I’ll explain. Although these are middle school students, I can look at certain kids in the class and read their futures. I'm a little psychic these days. Plus, I'm getting old and have seen these characters a long time ago...when I was in middle school. I try not to, it’s not good to label students but, its natural to pigeon-hole them because they have already pigeon-holed themselves. I won’t be using their names but here is a little list of who they are and what they’ll become. This is what I do when I should be observing "how to teach."

Also, before I start, can you remember a teacher who you thought hated you? If they actually disliked you, he/she DEFINITLEY talked about you in the teacher’s lounge, in the hall way with other teachers, to their spouse, and when yelling at their children “You don’t want to end up like (insert your name here)." I see it daily and it’s brutal.

8th Graders, I See Your Future...
Paul Popular: He has been popular since he popped out his mother’s naughty area. Even the nurses thought how charming he was when they handed him over to his proud new parents. He’s still awkward looking, because its middle school but, someday very soon, he’s going to grow tall and realize “damn, I’m hot.” He’ll get any girl he wants but, somehow, he’ll find the sweetest girl in high school. The two will look perfect together. He’ll get by in classes because of his charm and because gosh-darn he is just the cutest thing ever. Teachers will love him, parents will want their children to be like him or be friends with him, and everyone will know his name. He'll be nice to the nerds (to their face), nice to the dumb kids (to their face), and reserve all his cool for when he's with his friends making fun of everyone he's so "nice" to. He and his sweet-gal will date until mid-freshman year of college when he’ll find out she was entwined in an orgy after a frat-keg party (See Sally Sweet below). He’ll graduate from Penn State with a business degree and end up a rich CEO based on his charm and good looks. Life is grand for Billy popular, even in the 8th grade. I kind of want on him...until I smack myself in the face and remember, "He's 12! He's 12 and you are his age plus 10 which makes you creepy...and old (sheds a single tear)."

Ned Nerd: Oh, dear God you are weird. You’re just weird. You know it, I know it, we all know it. You love it though, which makes me admire and fear your little weird self. You have glasses that are so thick and stereotypical. I suggest lasik but, you're too weird for that. You’re a sweet kid and teachers respect you because they know you’re weird but, you’re smart. Girls are cruel in middle school and blatantly move away from you when you sit near them. Girls are cruel in high school and won’t accept your offer to go to prom. Girls are just fucking cruel. One day though, you weird little weirdo, you’ll go to a prestigious college because, even in middle school, you know bigger words than me and I’m supposed to be your teacher. At that college you’ll meet another weirdo; a female weirdo who appreciates you for all the weirdness you bring to the table. If I've said it once I’ve said it a thousand times; when freaks mate, God smiles. You’ll make millions of dollars doing something smarter than I can even imagine in my prediction for you. God bless the weird little weirdo.

Sally Sweet: You’re pretty and you’re twelve. I hated you in middle school. I still kind of hate you now. You thought I was funny in middle school but that’s where the friendship ended. Sweet “hellos” in the hallways and nothing else but, you’re nice. You’re so nice I want to punt you out of the room because you won’t let me hate you! WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HATE YOU? You’ll date Paul Popular (see above) and everyone will always envy you for who you are but, want to be your friend at the same time. You have to have some flaws, right? You’ll join a sorority in college and as a sophomore be voted President of whatever Greek letters they’ve pooped together that year. After Paul finds out about the frat party, he’ll dump you. You’ll be crushed but, a week later you’ll meet a hotter version of Paul who is going to be a lawyer. You’ll be married at 24, have 4 babies by 29, and be a classified alcoholic by 32 after you find out the lawyer is cheating on you with Wanda Whore (see below). Ha, sweet revenge.
*this is my prediction so I can do what I want.

Wanda Whore: You were flirting in kindergarten. You say the word “sexy” referring to Zac Efron and all the class screams that you’re gross. You are sort of gross because you’re 12 but have perfected the blow job. At 12, I thought blow jobs referred to a hard day of balloon making. You don’t do work because you’re distracted by pimple-faced boys who you talk about myspace with. You flirt with Ned Nerd because you can; then make fun of him behind his back. You’re friends with Sally Sweet but no one knows what she sees in you. You think you’re really cool but your version of cool is warped. You’re boy crazy, don’t care about school, and don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’ll end up Homecoming Queen runner up because you’ll never be as good as Sally. You’ll end up at Penn State studying fashion merchandise. You’ll fail a lot of classes and need to stay on another year because you were too busy getting drunk and getting laid by a different guy every night. Daddy will find you a receptionist job when you finally graduate. You’ll get caught sleeping with your only friend’s husband and move to California where Daddy will pay your way until you finally meet a 65-year-old with lots of money. You’ll marry him and sleep with anyone who walks into your mansion. Did I mention I hate you?

Cody Clown: You’re a smart ass. Literally, you’re really smart but you can be such an asshole to get the attention of your classmates. I wish you would focus sometimes but, I relate to you. You use humor when you’re bored, when you know you’re smarter than others, or to evade situations. My only hope is that someone will guide you and take the time to make sure you don’t get swept under the carpet. Your future could go two ways; selling car parts or doing something that challenges you…which I know is what you need.

Allison Anal: When it comes to group work you’re the one doing all the work and fretting over how much you have to do. You say it’s because no one else will do it but, we all know you take over. You’re clever and smart; no one denies you’re going places. Just, lighten up before your already-developing-ulcer erupts. You’re twelve, flirt a little with the boys…not too much, no one wants to be a Wanda Whore (see slut above). You’ll go to a great college and won’t need any man to bring you down. You’ll find one, probably like Ned Nerd but a bit preppier and less odd; someone you can boss around who’ll adore you. One day, you’ll be the second female president and I’ll be proud to say I knew you when you were just an anal twelve-year-old.

Eduardo English as a Second Language: You're adorable, small, and quiet. You no habla Ingles. Sometimes, I want to take you aside and go over things you're clearly not understanding. You might be smart, who knows? The kids tease you and make you say things because you have an accent. One day, you'd like to force them all to eat horse shit while you laugh and point at them. Instead, you sit there confused hoping someone will explain to you what the hell is going on. Eventually, you'll get it. English will be as natural to you as your first language. On that day, you'll also grow tall and handsome. All those homely American girls who once teased you will want to do you. You 'll be too mysterious to even reject them which will, ultimatley, make them want you more. You'll become a writer and tell stories of coming to America and being a 20th century immigrant. You'll make millions and those homely girls will imagine their lovers are you. You'll raise a nice family with a beautiful wife and figuratively make all those who teased you eat horse shit when you write a novel about how hard middle school can be for a poor ESL student. Buenos fuerte little Eduardo.

There are more characters to chronicle but, I’m worn out for tonight. I really do like teaching. I get to see myself as a 12-year-old all over again and imagine the nasty things my teachers said about me.

Time to pee in a cup.

~The (OLD)Lady~



1 comment:

Jessica said...

Hahahahahaha!

Oh dear lord.

So true.