Monday, May 25, 2009

A Lean and Hungry Look

Let me have men about me that are fat,
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep a-nights.
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look,
He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you school-loans, wish you had taken those lemons and made them into dinner, a new fancy drink, decorative earrings and an entire outfit.

I am not claiming poverty, and I count my lucky stars every night before I go to sleep, but I have resolved to be more stingy in many areas of my life. Likewise, I’ve noticed the correlation between being a “fat ass” and being a “broke ass.”

With the recent economic—how do you say—ah, yes, shit-show of 2009, I thought it was time I joined the bandwagon of saving some cash. So here are my sure bet ways to save some money & lose weight in 2009. Copyright “The Lady”

1. Eat cardboard instead of expensive fat-free crackers (which taste like cardboard). Cardboard is made of paper, which is made of trees, which means I’d be recycling AND losing weight. I’d take “Going Green” to a new level of insanity. Wow, between dieting, the recession and going green I’d really hit 3-fads in 1. I am awesome.

2. Don’t travel…anywhere. If I don’t go anywhere I won’t need gas (saving $). If I don’t go anywhere I can’t buy food that will make me fat (no more fatty). If I don’t go anywhere I won’t have friends, which means I won’t have friends who have birthdays, which means I won’t have to buy anything for anyone (saving $$$).

3. No more gym! There goes that 50 bucks a month. I can work my triceps and biceps curling my remote control! I can also walk to work to save money on gas. Walking to work is a good 25 miles, so that’s like 6,000 calories! I’ll have to leave at 1 am for my 7:30 job, but it will be well worth it as I lose calories and gain cash! Ca-CHING!

4. Pack lunches for work filled with the best stuff on Earth; love! When a co-worker asks, “Hey, what are you having for lunch?” I’ll tell them proudly, “just a bag of love!” When they ask if they can have some, I will tell them “yes” as there is enough to go around. They will ask me, “where is the love” and I will tell them “love is all they need.” When my love-lunch gives them indigestion then I will remind my co-worker that “love is a battlefield” and “love hurts.” I think you get the point….BUT I’M NOT FINISHED…When my co-worker tells me they have loose stool I will remind them that “love, love will keep us together” because, I know for a fact, love is full of fiber! Too much? I think so.

5. I will save money by eating grass and tree leaves. If my Shih-Tzu can get away with it why can’t I? I will lose the pounds by starting the tree-leaf diet. This eating habit, plus the 25 mile walk, will surely do the trick (or kill me, I’ve not decided which). Also, I'm pretty sure my Shih-Tzu vomits everytime she eats grass or leaves....I won't go there though.

6. I will sell millions of copies of my “Purse and Food Diet” book and motivational tapes. I will make tons of money off the book, promotions and “The Lady” action figure. Celebrities will promote my diet and, soon enough, it will be a fad all on its own. With that, I won’t need to starve my pocketbook any longer and will buy a mansion, BMW and a pool filled with JELLO Pudding. Mmm, pudding! Just kidding, make that a pool filled with whipped cream! Mmm, whipped cream! Forget it all – A POOL OF ICE CREAM! Mmm, ice cream!

Off to eat my face in ice cream (that cost $3.99)! I guess this Lady's diet will just have to wait for another day.

Love and donuts,

The Lady

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